Tuesday I rested, saw family, tried to eat.. but got extremely frustrated because i’m just feeling so stuck in these endless loops of bullshit! (let me elaborate 😂)
The first is that the tumors causing me to be blocked are still there and I need the chemo and cancer treatment to start in order for them to fry and shrink.. but I keep blocking and ending up in emerg 🙃 aand they won’t start the chemo and cancer treatment until i’m ‘stronger’ and not in the hospital soo there is pretty high potential that i’m just going to keep blocking over and over and going back to emerg (Evidence: this is my 5th emerg visit in 7 weeks!).
The second loop of bullshit is that in the cycles of either being blocked or NPO, I am getting weaker and losing more of my body weight& muscle every day. I’m starving, but can never eat enough to satisfy my hunger because it causes so much pressure and pain every time I try.
I have lost more than 25% of my original body weight at this point 🥴
Anyways they wanted to discharge me yesterday but I told them I didn’t feel comfortable leaving because I felt nothing had changed and that I would just be headed back to Foothills emergency if Rockyview let me go.
This brings me to the third and final loop of bullshit — absolutely hating being in the hospital, sharing this space with a bunch of strangers that are sick or always in my space, poking me and prodding and asking me questions BUT the hospital also being a safe place I know I can get the help and care I need..
..Versus returning to the comfort of my home but knowing that nothing will be different, my pain still won’t be under control, I won’t be able to sleep (neither will my family) and I will most likely have another middle of the night drive to emerg where I will suffer for 3-8 hours minimum before being seen and treated. (Before being sent home to start the cycle again).
After a long, hard (much needed) snot bubble sobfest I talked to my doctors here yesterday and made an all new plan:
I will stay in the hospital, they have ordered for a new PICC line to be put in and also to restart me on TPN (the liquid nutrition). They will transfer me back to Foothills as soon as they have a bed for me (so I won’t need to go through emerg). My pain will be managed, I will be given nutrition through my picc but I will also be allowed to eat what I can manage without too much nausea/ pain/ discomfort until I start chemo next Wednesday.
I know.. everyone thought I was starting chemo today but unfortunately I missed the appointment with my oncologist Monday (because I was in emerg) soo everything has been pushed back a week.
The new plan is to try to gain as much strength as I can leading up to this first round of chemo so I can get things moving with my treatment.
Thanks again everyone for reading and for all the support and thoughts you’ve been sending my way 💜💕💜💕